Netarts

... and you were lying beside me,
neither one of us naked. I proved
an even bigger disappointment than
I was all those years ago.
Too needy. Over optimistic.
Fatally impatient.
... seems you wanted what I never was.
... I imagined what you never were.
And we had wound up there,
the room already paid for.
The wine already drunk.
The only fireworks, hours ago
exploded over the ocean...
Lying tense and silent.
You could not wait for the drive back.
I was wishing we had a television.

Betta

I took a walk.
And a drive.
It felt pretty decent
to be alive for the
first time in months.

I wrote three new poems.
None of them about her.
Not even this one.

That fuckin' whore...

The Coast

with your leaving
the words are coming

and I don't know which is worse

The Work Weak

Whatever I shoot misses the garbage can.
Walking outside, little petals and
leaves from trees blow into my hair.
(You might think, 'At least you have hair.'
True, I do, but it's horribly out of style.
And smells too much of smoke.)
If people are laughing it's too loud.
If they're crying, I don't care.
I don't even care enough to be apathetic...
For I know nothing will be changing.

Our illusions are merely puppies to pet.
We'll never have a cubicle with a view.
Everything is recycling. Nothing ever new.
These new clothes are just like my old clothes.
This new fat, same as the old fat.
(Maybe just a little prouder.)
The hills, the falls, the climbs and calls
have all been made before and before and before that...

The Bed All to Myself

And there goes my head again.
And the damn ocean won't quiet.
And I feel fatter when you're not here.
And all I hear throughout the damn house
are drips and cricks, various unsettling sounds...
I imagine little spiders scooting around...
I feel some cavities coming.

And I am almost afraid to sleep.
But afraid not to. For how else will
I get the night to pass?
And if I can't night to pass
I'll be perpetually stuck with
three more sleeps without you...

I am too tired to close my eyes.
Too tired not to.

And I hope you know that though I am
only slightly mad when you are home,
I am obnoxiously so
when you are not.

And I think. And I think.
And I think that I shouldn't.